Types of Attachment
Emotional
Types of Emotional Attachment.
This topic will help them properly understand their next or current affective relationships.
It is about affective attachment and its four patterns of acquisition and expression that are secure attachment, ambivalent anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment.
To begin with, it seemed prudent to me that I should first offer you a definition of what an emotional attachment is as a form of emotional, intense and lasting bond that develops and consolidates between two people.
This attachment also brings as a consequence a fear of losing the person you most desire, reaching extremes of creating suffering, loss of tranquility, dignity and self-respect.
On the other hand, it has also seemed necessary to expose some erroneous ideas that will serve to clarify this concept and that I have heard from some of my patients in consultation, who have come to suppose that an attachment or emotional tie with someone, even being in a relationship conflictive, must be accepted permanently and that over time they would become happy creating greater security as a couple.
Well, let me tell you that if the concept of attachment is reviewed, it is easy to realize that it is the opposite of love. because it is based on instability, uncertainty, distrust and unhappiness when a person remains tied to a relationship where that feeling of loving the other has already disappearedIn short, by having a bond of this type, they would be the least prepared to bear a loss, in addition to not accepting parting with the other person and earning unnecessary suffering as a reward alongside an insensitive and despotic abuser.
Therefore, it is necessary that they have previously understood that although emotional or affective attachment is a typical behavior in us as human and social beings, it also implies an inevitable dependence in all our sentimental relationships, whether in the social, family aspect. or couple relationship.
This attachment disposition begins from our childhood, involving our parents as the main figures in the care of us as children and who shaped our personality during the first years of life. If at that moment, those parents provided us with timely affection, in addition to responding to our needs for nutrition, protection, affection and created a deep and unconditional connection that they would not fail us, because in this way, we would be talking about what is known What:
Secure attachment.
Only those who enjoyed having this type of attachment in their childhood, as adults, will show that they have no problem relating to their own emotions, or those of their partners, since they would not try to create obstacles to prevent them from getting emotionally close . In simpler words, a person with this secure attachment pattern would always start from the idea of loving someone without objections or conditions and because they preferred to choose that person who is by their side, not as an obligation to cover a lack or need. personal, but because in reality he esteems and loves that person.
Now, although this is the healthiest type of attachment of all, there is no guarantee that you cannot suffer on the level of love if the relationship does not work out for some reason. However, those who have been raised with this secure attachment style have the greatest advantage of not going through so much hardship in the face of a breakup.
And why is this?
Well, because children have learned how to manage emotions, they have been very happy next to their parents, they got along very well with their friends at school and outside of it, consolidating strong bonds of friendship. In the same way, they were able to solve problems with their little friends, without the intervention of their parents, and they learned to trust the people around them, who evidently showed them a lot of care and love.
That is why, being still infants, they were not frightened by the absence or temporary separation of one of their parents or caregivers and, coincidentally, when these children have reached adulthood, they are characterized by high, healthy and positive self-esteem, standing out for theirYou have great social skills.
From here, I will describe the remaining three attachment patterns that are considered dysfunctional.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment.
This would be like being in a kind of constant discord and in which each time that person with said pattern, he feels as if on alert because he has the belief that, despite any effort of his partner to make him feel good, they still would not be. your needs being met. The curious thing is that any mistake that can be made, even the smallest and most naive, is interpreted by this anxious-ambivalent person as a danger of abandonment or a threat to the relationship.
In this pattern of ambivalent anxious attachment, particularly when these people were children, they did not trust the adults who were in charge of their care, they noticed that their basic needs for attention and affection were not satisfied, there was inconsistency in care behaviors and security on the part of their caregivers, making them feel unprotected and sometimes, they had the feeling as if their existence did not interest them and for which, they usually responded by throwing tantrums and whimpers, they are those already adults who need constant confirmation that they are still loved, they interpret everything their partner says or does and have become consummate sulks who distrust everything about their partner. Such is the case that if for reasons of work, studies or another activity your partner has not been able to answer you or make a call during the day, you would be assailed by doubt accompanied by anxiety during the hours that passed.
However, once that need for response is covered, it is when you will be able to reduce the crisis for a short time and stop thinking that your partner is not interested or involved in that relationship.
Ambivalent anxious people are easily recognized, because they are those who always complain of giving everything for the relationship and that the other does not give the same or does not give enough. Here we speak of a discomfort that is generally caused by an intention to love and be loved or loved in a pathological way and this, obviously, has its origins in a learned but exaggerated behavior of emotional dependence.
Generally, some ambivalent anxious people tend to choose as partners people with an avoidant attachment for an emotional need and not for what they really want or desire. In contrast to this, if a person with ambivalent anxious attachment is related to someone who is of a secure attachment style, then their levels of anxiety and wanting to control could be balanced.
avoidant attachment.
This is just the opposite of the anxious-ambivalent attachment, in the event that these two types of attachment become a couple, they would not get along at all, since their lives would become one of constant suffering and restlessness due to their incompatibility.
Those who show this avoidant attachment style are unable to connect with their own emotions and those of others and will always maintain marked emotional distances with others. This pattern of attachment also has its genesis in childhood, when from a very young age they came to assume that they could not count on their caregivers because they were too strict in the way they were educated.
On the other hand, they conditioned them not to show their emotions, much less to attract attention, because otherwise they would be severely punished, to such an extent that they created fear in them, and therefore, they learned to avoid that fear of punishment by stopping show your feelings. It was so, that over time an emotional distance was created towards any person.
Children raised with this type of avoidant attachment were never seen to cry, not even when they were separated from their caregiver or were not in their presence and this happened, because that role of caregiver that touched them did not provide them with security or trust, in this way In this way, they learned to live feeling little loved or little valued, sometimes noticing him playing alone and even inventing imaginary friends. They are children who tend to grow up isolated, distrustful and find it difficult to create sentimental ties to receive affection. It is such that when they become adults, they casually show those same characteristics with their partners and have difficulties establishing or maintaining relationships over time.
The relationships in this dysfunctional pattern of attachment are usually superficial and do not deepen a bond, so much so that when things become serious or a kind of commitment or closeness begins to appear, it is when a series of mechanisms arise to get away from that. bond and maintain a false sense of self-control and self-assurance. With all this, they avoid their fear of suffering, being rejected and being abandoned, therefore, they take advantage of this situation to completely disconnect from a partner.
Disorganized attachment.
This would be a mix between the avoidant and the anxious pattern, mainly characterized by being in a constant dual struggle between love and hate.
It is integrated by a fear of pain and suffering and that is why it remains in a class of affective disorganization, with very conflictive and extremely dramatic relationships.
In this pattern of attachment, defensive mechanisms tend to be activated, either to get closer to or to move away from people. They will always look for thousands of buts, to anyone or anyone who may come into their life, even coming with the best intentions.
Like this pattern of attachment, it has its origin in a childhood where he endured frequent rejection, constant child abuse and mistreatment, as well as violence between family members.
Children accustomed to this pattern of attachment will always grow up with a lot of anxiety, frustration and anger, because whether it was at home, daycare or school, they had to deal with neglectful or abusive people and from whom they rather expected to obtain protection. This brought them as a consequence, a conflict that created great confusion and disorganization of their ideas about what love and trust really are.
They are those children who have sometimes been seen destroying their own toys, or else they destroy their parents' clothes or shoes, just with the intention of draining their frustration for the situations that they live in their home or place of upbringing.
When they become adults, they are the ones who somehow transfer their frustration to their relationships, to the point of damaging or destroying them.
Despite all this, they always have the desire to have a partner so as not to be alone, but even having one, they do not know how to lead that relationship, being clumsy and even consider that they are not worthy of anyone's affection or love.
It is also typical that sometimes they tend to do so many things to get someone's attention, but in reality what they do is alienate those who truly love them. For this to be understood, it is as if someone were to say, yes I love you! but having you so close you scare me and that's why I start doing unpleasant things to get away from me, either with complaints, with dramas, being unfaithful or anything else, but, as long as you leave me alone or calm.